A nurturing smile weighed down with sorrow
as you sighed at me demanding I wear a jacket, yet for an unknown reason I was
overcome by a sudden blow of anger and did not understand why you could not
simply say hello.
I retreated to the back room to begin my
essay, while you sat outside exhausted from living, struggling to breathe.
Perhaps it was because I was selfish and foolish I cried behind the curtain.
It’s funny how a flimsy sheet of fabric distanced me from you. I always joked that I was one of the few
Asians with visible eyebrows and eyelashes so long they’d tangle like a web.
The true downfall of long lashes is even when I clench my eyes shut to stop the
flood of tears, droplets hang off my eyelashes as to say “you cant avoid me
forever”. I always told myself crying is weak. I’m always overcome with shame
when I emerge with red eyes and mascara running down my face.
Father exclaimed “I’m exhausted” as he
emerged out of the patient’s room and you whimpered, “my love, I’m dizzy”.
Perhaps you did not know that I do care. I refuse to talk to you because I
don’t want to acknowledge it is true. I feel the minute we begin discussing the
truth my world would collapse. All my life I have worshiped you. You are my
saving grace, forgiving me for each mistake I made. Even on those occasions I
couldn’t forgive myself. Never was I the one to tell you how I felt I always
assumed you could feel what I felt. I trained myself to ignore emotions. I
never said “I love you” nor “I miss you” to you let alone to anyone else. I’d
occasionally add in “wuv you” or “urb you” because it was the social norm but
little did you know how hard it is for me to say those words as they are.
I always accused you and dad of not
realizing we children too have lifes of our own, but for the first time I
realized I no longer live through you. You too have your own life and destiny.
I suppose as I grew up, I grew closer to you and dad yet simultaneously felt a
growing distance. Although my Chinese is impeccable there are things I can’t say.
Yes I am grateful for the beautiful life we as a family built for ourselves but
we are so isolated. Perhaps I’m too scared to leave the nest and form a network
of friends without the overshadowing fears of our family ties and reputation
and instead blamed it on you. No matter what we argue I think we should
recognize to an extent I isolated myself to protect you from all mistakes I had
already made.
Despite what was happening I tried to pour
my soul out to friends who did not understand what pain was holding me captive,
they think you were simply anemic with an ulcer or two. I can’t begin to
explain the excruciating pain it is to think about you, like acid eating
through my bones I sit there hopeless. I’d tell them my crazy antics or confess
to smoking instead.
I don’t think you understand how we feel,
your husband and your daughters. You grow pessimistic day by day as we tried to
hold onto what little left of your old self remained. You did not seem to want
to hold onto us and as the ice grew thinner we’d fall down an icy path. Silent
car rides, bleak dinners and empty conversations. We fell apart as a family by
the minute. Dad wont talk to anyone while Kailin is too oblivious to understand
what is happening. For the first time there is no comfort in food for me. Ive
been vomiting in the mornings for a few months and its not the alcohol. When someone suggested my upper body was getting gnarly and gaunt I was angry because
I didn’t think it was true. I’m not purposely doing anything; It’s my cognitive
distress regurgitating what words cant. I feel this disgust that you’re not
trying anymore. We bumped into Teresa’s parents as we walked to the car today
and her fuckwit of a father said “Lily how are you ? Your complexion looks
fine” and you laughed and said, “there’s nothing a bit of blush cant fake”. I
was so furious at you. Staying strong for those who didn’t give a fuck and
ignoring us.
They were going to see VIVID as a family; they threw all their
burdens on you and didn’t seem too interested in how we were doing. Sometimes you care about the wrong things
like how Teresa’s’ boyfriend is treating her. You never gave a fuck about my
relationships and simply told me I was too young to understand. I had to grow
up so quickly and learnt all the wrong things about life. There is very little I don’t understand. I’ve
seen just about every form of human relationship and learnt about everyone
else’s secrets and flaws yet failed to notice my own.
You told me I was too ugly inside and
people could see through me so i should settle for what I could get and that’s
why I never understood you. Parents are inclined to think they’ve raised an
angel and you were convinced I was toxic. Simply because you watched me charm
and manipulate everyone else didn’t mean you were watching me. You made me
promise all these things and I did through clenched teeth but we all know I’d
do anything for you at a blink of an eye. Our relationship is complex, you see
a part of yourself in me and you hate it. Through goddad I learnt some things will
never change unless you thrust a machete at their throats. There’s not a single
problem we can’t overcome even with your sharp tongue and my bull headed
mentality.
I suppose what I’ve been trying to say is
your declining health isn’t a secret. We’ve all known for months and we’ve all
been terrified you’d go down the same path as the rest of your cousins. Cancer took
Zhong Yi Zhen when she was twenty-three and one after another your cousins were
diagnosed with diseases. We accepted our gene pool is too close and defects are apparent in your generation but simply because we know something’s coming
our way doesn’t mean you should grow distant from us. I don’t want to watch
you, my life-loving mother begin to fear each day. I don’t want you to live as
if death is slowly approaching because death is inevitable yet we don’t sit
there in fear of its predestined arrival.
I want you to wake up and realize you are not dying. Nobody, not even
those with terminal cancer are dying unless they’ve determined death is their
next stop.
You need to wake up brave and tell yourself you will outlive those
sporty yoga organic eating bastards. You need to wake up and say “theres
nothing I cant overcome or manage” because there are so many diamonds and
good things in life I have yet to spoil you with. We'll knuckle this
bastard gene down. I’ll leave the machete at home and bring the sniper rifle
instead. We’re not leaving till we get it head first and you walk out with that
spring back in your step.
Your Daughter (the troublesome one)
